


The Flame: 2 Excerpts from the Journal of Qui-Gon

by amyfortuna



Series: Journals [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-09-17
Updated: 1999-09-17
Packaged: 2017-10-30 20:40:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/335837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amyfortuna/pseuds/amyfortuna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Qui-Gon writes about his contrasting feelings for Xanatos and Obi-Wan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Flame: 2 Excerpts from the Journal of Qui-Gon

Part I: After Xanatos 

I am ashes. 

There is nothing left, nothing, not a breath, not a touch, not a word untainted by this. I feel frozen, numb, as cold as the winter on Hoth. 

He has betrayed me. Not only me, everything. My beautiful, vibrant padawan has turned into a monster. And the shame of it is that I could not see, blinded by his charisma, held captive by the glances from his eyes. 

I thought we were more than master and apprentice. It turns out that we weren't even that. 

He had me wrapped around his little finger. 

There's nothing wrong with being wrapped around someone's little finger, unless that someone has darkness in his heart. Xanatos did, and I am thrice fool that I did not see it. 

Yoda saw it. Again he proved that he is wiser than I am. I should know by now. 

Sometimes it seems like I know nothing, that all I can do is feel. Do knowledge and feeling contradict each other? Maybe. 

Where did the philosophy come in? I was trying to grieve. Trying to-no, not forget-I can never forget that-but trying to-I have no idea what I was trying to do. 

Master Yoda sits across the room from me, silently meditating. So should I. But I am afraid, if I let my thoughts sink into the Force, all I will find is darkness. All I will find is Xanatos. They are now synonymous. Or so I don't want to believe. 

So I can't help believing. 

We fought. A Padawan and Master fighting is like a desecration when done seriously. Especially when that padawan had nearly finished his training, had come so close to being a Knight. 

But why think about it, why rehash the details over and over? He turned. It happens, occasionally. But not to me! 

I tried so hard, I loved so deeply, I gave everything, and all I have to show for it is a burn mark on my wrist. 

I am ashes. Literally. 

* * *

Part II: Twenty Years Later: Obi-Wan 

He is so beautiful. 

Something about the way he moves strikes a chord in me. I remember the first time we worked together, against the draigons on that deserted planet, when he was only twelve. We fought like we'd been practicing together for years. We moved, spun, and slashed in unision. 

I was old then. Years older than I should have been. After that, I started getting younger. One day I'm afraid I'll wake up and we'll be the same age. 

With Xanatos, I thought I'd seen every trick, every captivating motion, every sweet smile, every provacative touch. I was so happily wrong. Xanatos, you could take lessons from my Obi. 

My Obi. Mine in every way. I could lose myself in him, only to find me again. Not that we are the same at all! 

We are different in many ways. 

He's the one who teases me about picking up "pathetic life-forms," but as I recall, the life-forms he adores usually aren't lost and starving a forest. 

They're plants! 

My Obi loves growing things. For this reason, we try to avoid desert planets. He hates them. 

"So bare, so devoid of life," he'd say, whenever we are made to go to a Outer Rim sun-baked planet. Then he'd turn and give me one of those serious looks: "It's not right without grass." 

On Coruscant, I usually find him in the Gardens. He says that he can meditate there best, always adding the laughing postscript "aside from in your arms, of course." 

And I always answer that I'm not sure about that. 

He's so different from Xanatos-so open, so happy, so carefree, so very unconcious of himself. Xanatos always walked around like he had something to prove, like the world hated him and he was out to convince it that it was wrong. That wasn't very Jedi, and I should have noticed it earlier. 

I won't get started on that. 

Because now I have Obi-Wan, all my dreams in human form embodied. 

There is a glorious sunset in our home on Coruscant (our only real home), and Obi-Wan is returning home from a short mission tonight. 

He said in our comlink talk earlier that he had some surprise for me. His mind has been tightly shielded for a few days now, so I have no clues at all. 

Knowing my Obi, it could be wonderful. Or it could shock me beyond belief. 

Whatever the years ahead hold, I know they will be exhilarating, with Obi-Wan Kenobi beside me. 


End file.
